


Rules of Engaging with a Chest Werewolf

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Series: Covalent Bonds [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Humor, Awkward Conversations, Body Dysphoria, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 07:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1543286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="JOHN">EB: so... i hear you're back with gamzee? seriously???</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="KARKAT">CG: OH, *YOU* WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. YOU, WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY A CONNOISSEUR IN ALL MATTERS PERTAINING TO TROLLHOOD AND MOIRALLEGIANCE. WHO AM I TO DISAPPOINT!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="KARKAT">CG: SO, I HEAR YOU'RE WITH *VRISKA*? SERIOUSLY???</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="JOHN">EB: ...</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="JOHN">EB: on second thought, let's talk about movies.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="KARKAT">CG: YEAH, WE MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY FALL ON EACH OTHER ALL CLAWS OUT OTHERWISE, AND THEN IT'LL BE HELL HAVING TO MAKE OUT.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="KARKAT">CG: MAKE UP.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="KARKAT">CG: I MEANT MAKE UP. FUCK. TYPO. HAHA.</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules of Engaging with a Chest Werewolf

**Author's Note:**

> After being turned into a troll, John is experiencing fairly severe dysphoria. It's wrong-species rather than wrong-gender but there is still an element of gender and sexuality issues in it.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

EB: so... i hear you're back with gamzee? seriously???  
CG: OH, *YOU* WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. YOU, WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY A CONNOISSEUR IN ALL MATTERS PERTAINING TO TROLLHOOD AND MOIRALLEGIANCE. WHO AM I TO DISAPPOINT!  
CG: SO, I HEAR YOU'RE WITH *VRISKA*? SERIOUSLY???  
EB: ...  
EB: on second thought, let's talk about movies.  
CG: YEAH, WE MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY FALL ON EACH OTHER ALL CLAWS OUT OTHERWISE, AND THEN IT'LL BE HELL HAVING TO MAKE OUT.  
CG: MAKE UP.  
CG: I MEANT MAKE UP. FUCK. TYPO. HAHA.  
EB: dot dot dot dot dot, karkat.  
EB: DOT DOT DOT even.  
CG: GROAN.  
CG: I AM ATTEMPTING TO TELL YOU WHERE TO PUT YOUR DOTS IN A WAY THAT WON'T END EMBARRASSINGLY ONCE AGAIN, AND IT'S NOT WORKING. THE EXTENT OF MY FAILURE IS ABYSMAL.  
CG: JUST. PRETEND YOU GOT TOLD, OKAY? AND IT WAS SOMEHOW BOTH SCATHING AND ENTIRELY PLATONIC.  
EB: only because you're shame-killing me by proxy, you suave manly man you.  
EB: so how about this niklas kayidj dude? awesome, or awesomest? :B  
CG: YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, AND THEN YOU PLAY IT SURPRISED WHEN I END UP HATE-HITTING ON YOU.  
CG: I'M STARTING TO SERIOUSLY DOUBT YOUR CANDIDNESS, JOHN CHUCKLEFUCK EGBERT.  
EB: groaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.  
EB: can we like  
EB: stop mentioning it entirely. that'd be swell. poof! out of existence.  
EB: karkat?  
CG: BE NICE IF LIFE WORKED LIKE THAT, HUH. YOU IGNORE IT, AND IT CONVENIENTLY ERASES ITSELF FOR YOU.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER. YOU KNOW WHAT. FINE.  
CG: LET'S PRETEND MY MOUTH NEVER TOUCHED YOURS AND NEVER WOULD AND IT'S TOO RIDICULOUS TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.  
EB: uh, did i just hurt your feelings here?  
CG: WHAT FEELINGS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE FEELINGS AT ALL, BUT ESPECIALLY TOWARD YOU? WHO WOULD BE SO RETARDED AS TO IMAGINE THAT?  
EB: i just meant feelings in general!  
CG: HOW CAN I HAVE ANYTHING YOU'RE UNWILLING TO MENTION, WHEN WE ALL KNOW YOUR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THE UNIVERSE AFLOAT.  
EB: um.  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING NOW. WHAT?  
CG: JOHN? DID YOU ACTUALLY WALK OFF HERE?  
EB: no! i'm just thinking, okay?  
CG: ABOUT?  
EB: things. and stuff. mostly stuff.  
CG: GNNRH.  
EB: hehe.  
EB: urr. don't fly off the handle right from the first sentence, okay, let me finish first?  
CG: REQUEST PROVISIONALLY GRANTED, BUT I'M EYEING YOUR WINDOW WITH A GIMLET EYE AND READY TO REVOKE IT SHOULD YOU ABUSE IT WITH STUPID.  
EB: bluh bluh i am karkat vantas and i never give anyone an inch for i am fearsome and steel-hearted, rawr, rawr.  
CG: ARE YOU FINISHED? LOOKS LIKE IT TO ME. I GUESS IT'S ANSWER TIME! FUCK YOU.  
EB: kaaaaaaaarkat.  
EB: kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat.  
CG: OH NO. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE APPROPRIATE HER QUIRK. I REFUSE.  
EB: too late! :p  
EB: but seriously now. please?  
CG: FINE! I'M SITTING ON MY FRONDS STARTING FROM NOW.  
EB: good, thanks.  
EB: okay.  
EB: i might as well just jump right in, right?  
EB: so.  
EB: wow, all that answering you're not doing, i guess you're *really* sitting on your hands right now. hehehe.  
EB: okay, fine. i'll stop stalling.  
EB: or try to. argh.  
EB: okay! doing it now.  
EB: ... i don't know where to start!  
CG: IYHUG40**TUF59&i  
EB: ... did you just headbutt your keyboard, buddy.  
CG: %M?LN%IJUOIB BHMK§*  
EB: i'm taking that as a yes. hehehehehehehehe.  
CG: FCJUJCK YUYUGOUYO  
EB: i fuck you too, karkat. ;B  
CG: HOW IS THIS NOT A BLACK SOLICITATION, YOU FUCKLEMUNCH.  
EB: argh! damn you, can't you just stop *PUSHING* for one second in your life???  
EB: how about you sit your ass back on your hands right the heck now, okay.  
EB: are you doing it yet? >:|  
CG: Y  
EB: okay, good.  
EB: urgh.  
EB: okay, "i" sentences. right. i can do that.  
EB: i feel like you think i think you're gross when i say i don't want to think about   
EB: you know  
EB: hatemacking on you.  
EB: and like i'm saying you're not good enough or something  
EB: what i'm saying is i find myself gross  
EB: because i'm a human dude who is straight and as a human dude who is straight i don't mack on my bros of the dude persuasion.  
EB: or maybe perhaps for a drunken joke i guess, not for serious, but it was  
EB: hella serious.  
EB: hella *WAY* too serious.  
EB: and also not me.  
EB: i feel like i'm a werewolf now, karkat.  
EB: i have this rabid thing in a corner of my head that wants to savage people i don't know for daring to step into my space, which is now stupidly larger!   
EB: and that wants to bite my friends on the mouth until they bleed all tasty!  
EB: it's  
EB: it's scary as hell, okay?  
EB: i don't *get* what troll me wants. dudes and violence?  
EB: that's not me. neither one is me.  
EB: it's not like i  
EB: uh, do you actually still have a crush on me?  
EB: like, a real one, i mean, not a little silly one where it's mostly awkward jokes that keep happening and making it more of an awkward thing than it really is?  
CG: YOU'D PREFER THAT, I GUESS.  
CG: SORRY.   
CG: TO BE HONEST...   
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. COULD BE A LITTLE SILLY CRUSH. BUT IT HAS A SHIT TON OF HORMONES PUSHING BEHIND IT, I CAN'T JUDGE ACCURATELY. IT'S.  
CG: YOU'RE HOT, *AND* MY FIRST REAL HATEKISS, AND MY HORMONES ARE PENT UP TO THE TEETH. I DON'T KNOW.  
EB: huh.  
EB: i guess it's not so bad if we're both confused as hell about it.  
CG: MNH.  
EB: but i  
EB: i've got a knot in my stomach just talking about it, karkat, it's  
EB: it freaks me out.  
EB: and my body's all weird and wrong and i really hate it! i can't even shower with the lights on! i don't think i want anyone else touching it, like, ever again, i can't even imagine that right now.  
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: JOHN, *NO*.   
CG: YOU CAN'T KEEP ON THINKING LIKE THAT. TELL ME YOU'LL WORK ON IT WITH VRISKA, TELL ME THAT.  
CG: IT'S STILL FINE FOR NOW BUT  
CG: SHIT. NO. OKAY, THERE ARE STILL SWEEPS BEFORE THAT DAY. IT'LL BE FINE. I WON'T PRESSURE YOU TO GET OVER IT RIGHT NOW, THAT'D BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE AS FUCK.  
CG: ALSO NOT MY PLACE, WOW.  
EB: yeah uh i'm gonna choose to exercise my magical powers and unwrite the crap out of those words, i think.  
CG: YEAH, I'LL ALLOW YOU THAT ONE.  
EB: so...  
EB: when you accidentally hit on me, on one hand, it's funny.  
EB: on the other hand it makes me think about my crotch, and that's really not.  
EB: and then i start worrying that you hate-like me for real and that i'm being an asshole by stringing you along.  
CG: I'M STRINGING MYSELF ALONG, JOHN, YOU'VE GIVEN ME NO SIGNAL THAT YOU WERE INTERESTED.  
CG: IT'S SOMETHING I DO A LOT OF, PROJECTING MY DESIRE TO BE WITH SOMEONE ONTO THAT PERSON AND ACCUSING THEM OF DOING IT TO ME, BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE ADMITTING I'M THE ONLY ONE INVOLVED.  
CG: LIKE I'LL FEEL LESS VULNERABLE IF I ACCUSE THEM OF HITTING ME FIRST?  
CG: I DID IT TO TEREZI UNTIL SHE GOT TIRED OF MY SHIT AND DECIDED DAVE WAS LESS OF A HASSLE.  
CG: POSSIBLY HE WAS ALSO HOTTER AND THEY ACTUALLY HAD THINGS IN COMMON, INCLUDING THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE OF HUMOR, NEVER MIND A MATCHING ONE.  
CG: BECAUSE AFTER THAT WE NEVER REALLY TALKED IN DEPTH AGAIN AS WE USED TO, BEFORE I LOST HER AS A FRIEND.  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU AS A FRIEND.  
CG: I'LL CAN IT.  
EB: aw, man.  
EB: i don't know what to say to that, man. i wish i did.  
CG: KEEP YOUR GROSS HUMAN POLY-PALE LEANINGS AWAY FROM ME. I WAS JUST EXPLAINING SO YOU KNOW WHERE I STAND, I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO SOOTHE ME OR HELP ME WORK IT OUT. NO DISPLAYS OF SYMPATHY REQUIRED.  
EB: pff. you guys are ridiculous.  
EB: if i pat your shoulder and say, wow, that sucks, does it mean gamzee will be jealous?  
CG: DEPENDS ON HOW LONG YOUR HAND LINGERS?  
CG: AND ON HOW JEALOUS HE HAS ANY ABILITY TO BE. IT'S A TOSS-UP BETWEEN "WOULDN'T GIVE A FUCK LET'S HAVE A THREE-WAY HUG" AND MURDER CITY.  
EB: oh god a three-way hug with gamzee. nope. i refuse.  
CG: OKAY, I THOUGHT WE'D AGREED NOT TO BRING THE MOIRAILS INTO THIS.  
EB: ...  
EB: pffhehehehe. vriska and gamzee hugging it out.  
EB: can you imagine their faces??  
CG: I CAN, AND WISH I COULDN'T.   
CG: AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WOULD COME OUT DEAD. IF NOT MURDERED, THEN DEAD OF SHEER WRONGNESS.  
CG: LET'S BE GOOD PALEMATES AND MAKE RAMPARTS OUT OF OUR BODIES.  
EB: okay, you went from foursome hug to sandwich, that's kind of kinky, don't you think. ;B  
CG: ...  
CG: IF I CAN'T FLIRT THEN *YOU CAN'T EITHER* OH MY LITTLE JEGUS.  
EB: it was a joke!!! uuugh.   
EB: now i'm visualizing it, whyyyyyyyy.  
EB: wow, what if they went kismesy too?  
CG: AND WHAT IF THE DIAGONALS WENT FLUSHED, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.   
CG: THAT MEANS ME AND VRISKA, TENDERLY MAKING OUT WHILE YOU WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS IN GAMZEE'S AURAL CONDUITS, BY THE WAY.  
EB: auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh DX DX DX  
EB: hehehe. okay, that'd be really silly.  
CG: TOO BAD A NON-OVERLAPPING ASHEN SHIP DOESN'T FIT IN A FOUR-PEOPLE CLADE.  
EB: oh, is "too bad" troll for "lucky"? wow, i learn so much from you, professor vantas.  
CG: ONE DAY YOU WILL FALL ASH FOR TWO UNLUCKY ASSHOLES, AND I WILL LAUGH ALMOST AS HARD AS THE DAY I LEARNED YOU AND VRISKA WERE PALE SERENDIPITY.  
EB: pff, serendipity! as if that even exists. how would it even work out to have been planned from forever anyways, we're not even from the same universes.  
CG: SGRUB HAD YOU TAILOR-MADE FOR HER, I GUESS. (:<B  
EB: ugh.  
EB: that's totally invalidating the crap we did get through when i told her she was a horrible person and walked out on her that one time back in the game.  
EB: it's like all her hard work or mine doesn't count because no matter what we were gonna end up best friends again. bleh.  
CG: IF YOU WANT MY HONEST OPINION, AT THE TIME SHE DIDN'T WANT TO ACCEPT WHAT IT MEANT THAT EVEN *YOU* WOULD SAY, OKAY, THIS IS TOO FAR, BUT IT ACTED AS A WAKE-UP CALL.  
CG: IF YOU HADN'T WALKED OUT ON HER IN THE GAME, SHE WOULDN'T BE WORTHY OF YOU NOW, BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT TO HELP YOU WHEN YOU FREAKED OUT, OR ONLY OUT OF A SENSE THAT SHE'S TRAPPING YOU INTO SERIOUSLY OWING HER. BECAUSE SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE REEXAMINED HER BULLSHIT EVER AGAIN. SHE JUST NEEDED A STOP BY THE DENIAL CASE FIRST BEFORE ADMITTING SHE NEEDED FIXING, I GUESS.   
EB: are you supposed to know her that well, and am i supposed to be jealous about it? :p  
CG: I'VE BEEN WATCHING HER BULLSHIT CUT SWATHES THROUGH MY CREW FROM AGE FIVE, EGBERT, I'D HAVE TO BE THINKSPONGE-IMPAIRED IF I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT SOME OF HER PATTERNS BY NOW.  
CG: AND NO YOU'RE NOT, BECAUSE THERE'S ZERO SYMPATHY IN MY ANALYSIS.  
EB: hehe.  
EB: is that how it worked for you and gamzee? like, you broke up and then he was all, oops, too far?  
CG: ...  
CG: GAMZEE TOOK A SWEEP AND A HALF TO REALIZE HE'D BEEN A BALL OF NOOK DISCHARGE, GRANDLY SOAKING HIS UNDERWEAR WITH GREAT SQUELCHING FANFARE. YOU'RE STILL COMING OUT AHEAD.  
CG: ON THE UPSIDE HE KNOWS HOW TO PALE MAKEOUT.  
EB: i know how to too!!! there is absolutely zero need to teach us again holy little jegus karkat.  
EB: admit it, you were totally ogling the pale orgy.  
CG: WHAT KIND OF PERVERT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR??  
EB: the kind who sets up a group makeout session? :B peeeerveeert.  
CG: SHUT UP, VIRGIN. I BET VRISKA STILL HASN'T SHOVED YOU DOWN ONTO A PILE. HAVE YOU EVEN PAPPED AGAIN SINCE THE OASIS MEET?  
EB: we haven't needed to! D:  
CG: STUPENDOUS. I BLINKED, AND THEN WOW, MY HEAD WAS RESTING HEAVY IN MY HAND. FOR A MOMENT I WAS CONFUSED; HAD MY HORNS GROWN AT LAST, TO SOME HUMONGOUS STRIDERIAN OR EVEN NITRAMESQUE LENGHT?  
CG: NOPE, JUST THE WEIGHT OF YOUR STUPID.  
CG: DID YOU ONLY MAKE OUT WITH A HUMAN GIRLFRIEND WHEN YOU WERE IN RUT OR BABY MAKING SEASON OR HOWEVER IT WORKS FOR HUMANS??  
EB: ... heh. okay, point.  
EB: but she already blushes super hard when i hug her! and i'm not even groping or anything. i dunno how she'd like a pile. i mean for me it's just rolling around on stuff with an awesome friend who i get to cuddle! maybe! but she's so shy about it, wow.  
EB: it's weirdly cute.  
CG: ***HOW*** ARE YOU MAKING ME COME TO FEEL SORRY FOR VRISKA GRANDSTAND ME-ME-ME SERKET. IT MUST BE THE DARKEST MAJJYKS. SINCE WHEN ARE YOU APPRENTICED TO LALONDE?  
CG: "JUST"? "AN AWESOME FRIEND"? "WEIRDLY" CUTE?? SHE'S YOUR MOIRAIL, ASSHOLE, WHAT IS WEIRD ABOUT IT??!  
EB: what's different? it's pretty much the same feelings i have for rose and dave and jade! only it'd be weird to cuddle with dave or rose, but i've hugged jade plenty of times.  
CG: IS IT, REALLY?  
EB: ...  
EB: ok, i guess it's a *little* different. kind of. but i don't want to talk about it with you.  
CG: WHY NOT? LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHY.  
EB: because it's none of your business, karkat!  
EB: aren't you being kind of pale right now? wanting to fix me and stuff. *squints at*  
CG: OH DEAR HORRORTERRORS, **NO**.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, ALL YOUR KNOWLEDGE ABOUT QUADRANTS IS WRONG AND YOU SHOULD DUMP IT AND REBUILD FROM THE GROUND UP. YOU HAVE SO MANY MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND ACTIONS INVOLVED IT MAKES ME DIZZY JUST TO THINK OF HOW WE'RE GOING TO CRAM ALL OF THAT INTO YOUR THINKPAN BEFORE ASCENSION.  
CG: ONE OF US WILL EXPLODE AND FOR ONCE I'M NOT EVEN CERTAIN IT WILL BE ME.  
EB: urgh.  
EB: don't you think vriska should be the one to teach me the pale stuff then, mister i don't get off on being a love guru at all?  
CG: GNNH.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: ALSO, THE GIRL IS EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED AND --  
CG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL LET YOU REAP THE FRUIT OF YOUR REFUSAL AT LEISURE. DON'T MIND ME, I'LL BE SITTING OVER THERE, BRANDING "I TOLD YOU SO" A HUNDRED TIMES INTO THE VERY EARTH USING NOTHING BUT THE LAVA BURST FORTH FROM MY INCANDESCENT RAGE-SPEWING GULLET.  
EB: *sage nod*  
EB: i'll just call gamzee for you then?  
CG: ARGH.  
CG: OKAY, I'M BREATHING, I'M LOOSENING MY SHOULDERS, I'M MASSAGING THE BRIDGE OF MY NOSE AND ALL THOSE GOOD THINGS.  
CG: CALM IS MY ADULT TITLE. OR IT WOULD BE IF IT HAD MORE LETTERS.   
CG: I WILL BE KNOWN AS THRESHECUTIONER TRANQUIL, THE BREEZE OF PEACE ITSELF.  
EB: pff.  
EB: you'll be known as threshecutioner ragegasm shoutier, peace by yelling at people until they make themselves unconscious to escape.  
CG: THANKS FOR HAVING ENOUGH FAITH IN ME NOT TO DEMOTE ME TO JANITERRORIST, ASSHOLE.  
EB: hahaha, i would have if i'd known it was an option! it sounds almost cool like that. XD  
CG: WOW, FUCK YOUR IDIOCY NOZZLE.  
EB: did you just proposition me for oral, dude :B  
CG: SJLASDKF  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?? IF THAT KEPT IT FROM SPOUTING INANITIES THEN YES.  
EB: you've got the WORST fantasies, bud. you do remember the teeth i've got now, right?  
CG: I DO. HOW ARE THEY A PROBLEM?  
EB: umm, bro. chomp, chomp?  
CG: ...  
CG: ......  
CG: OKAY, CULTURAL DISCONNECT.  
EB: ?  
CG: A KISMESIS WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER DAMAGE THEIR KISMESIS' BULGE.  
EB: oh, yeah, i guess they'd need to find someone else if they were that stupid.  
CG: ... WOW.  
CG: NO, THAT'S.  
CG: JOHN, A KISMESIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEONE YOU WANT TO COMPETE AGAINST AT THEIR BEST, AND TRIUMPH OVER EVEN THEN. OR FAILING THAT, SOMEONE WHO PRODS YOU TO IMPROVE UNTIL YOU MIGHT GET TO THEIR LEVEL.  
CG: SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE SLACK TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY AND DOUBTS AND TO SQUANDER YOUR POTENTIAL, BUT PUSHES YOU INTO BECOMING A BETTER TROLL.  
CG: IT'S NOT SOMEONE YOU *MUTILATE*, UNLESS IT'S HIGHLY KINKY AND *DISCUSSED BEFOREHAND, COMPLETE WITH SAFEWORDS*, OR SEVERELY UNHEALTHY.  
CG: THAT OR UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE. THEY CAN'T GIVE YOU THEIR HALF OF THE SLURRY WITHOUT A BULGE. BUT THEY CAN STILL RECEIVE YOURS. THEY'D BE FINE COME DRONE SEASON, OR AS FINE AS ONE CAN BE WHILE MANGLED THAT BADLY BY SOMEONE THEY TRUSTED. YOU'D BE DEAD.  
EB: ... huh.  
CG: WHILE I'M AT IT, EARLIER YOU MENTIONED "SAVAGING".  
CG: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED YET, BUT... FOR A HUMAN, YES, THAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. I SAW DAVE'S MOUTH A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE TEREZI LEARNED TO CALIBRATE; IT WAS SCARY, AND THEY WERE *MATESPRITS.*  
CG: TROLLS HEAL FASTER, ESPECIALLY AROUND THE MOUTH AND GENITAL ORGANS, AND FOR A GOOD REASON:  
CG: WE'RE ALL WIRED SO THAT SOME PAIN FEELS GOOD.  
CG: I ASKED ROSE AND SHE SAID IT HAPPENED IN HUMANS, BUT MUCH MORE RARELY? THAT YOU GUYS BARELY HAD THE CONCEPT OF "GOOD PAIN" COMPARED TO US, AND DIDN'T HAVE THE HEALING FACTOR TO HELP AFTERWARDS SO HUMANS THOUGHT IT WASN'T A VERY HEALTHY THING TO ENCOURAGE IN GENERAL.  
CG: YOU'RE NOT LIKE THAT NOW. EVEN IF YOU GO ALL HIGHBLOOD RAGE WITH A CONCUPISCENT PARTNER YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DAMAGE THEM HALF AS MUCH AS YOU THINK.  
CG: ARE YOU STILL HERE?  
CG: JOHN?  
EB: i'm here.  
EB: can you stop with the visuals though. and the physical stuff.  
EB: you're being pushy as hell and you *know* i don't enjoy thinking about it.  
EB: the whole thing is making me more angry than i want to be.  
CG: YOUR INNER HOWLBEAST BARKING AT THE BACK DOOR?  
EB: heh!  
EB: snarling, more like.  
EB: but i will valiantly keep it at bay, if you manage to *stop making dinner noises.*  
CG: SIGH.  
CG: FINE. I WAS DONE WITH THE PHYSICAL STUFF ANYWAY.  
EB: can you be done about everything you thought you need to lesson me about? because this is getting boring, okay.  
CG: YOUR BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS THAT KISMESES CAN'T LIKE EACH OTHER. THAT'S FALSE.  
EB: what. it's right there in the name. hate quadrant.  
CG: I LIKE YOU A LOT, MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN, AND I KNOW EXACTLY HOW BRAVE YOU ARE, AND THAT'S WHY IT *PISSES ME OFF* WHEN I FIND YOU HIDING YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND!!  
CG: ONE THING IS FUCKING SURE, I WILL NOT HAVE A COWARD FOR A KISMESIS.  
CG: SO KEEP GOING AS YOU WERE AND I GUESS YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY ADVANCES FOR MUCH LONGER.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

EB: HEY!  
EB: YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!  
EB: karkat!  
EB: how the hell is it your right to judge me?! like you can even understand what i'm going through!  
EB: just because the other guys somehow magically don't care it doesn't mean i'm a coward!!!!!!!!  
EB: you get back online and let me yell at you!  
EB: ASJLDKFUOJ

\--

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] started trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

AG: I can hear you howling from here!   
AG: And right over my movie, too. Okay, the canyon rever8erates sound a lot, 8ut not THAT much! What's wrong with you now? >::::/  
AG: John, don't you d8re ignore me.  
AG: John!  
EB: MOJBUGCRRZ  
EB: I WANT T BITE KARKAT IN TH EFACE SO BAD;  
AG: ...  
AG: 8e there in five minutes. Have your TV on to the 18th channel and my snacks ready.  
AG: If you haven't stopped howling fit to start a rockslide 8y then I'm going to make you slap yourself in the face.  
EB: I DON'T WANT TO WATCH TV!!!!!!  
AG: Tough luck! I do, and I'm not going to listen to you telling me exactly how much you want to 8ite Vantas on the snout without *some* distraction. Urgh.  
AG: Now are you going to make me make you slap yourself, or are you going to be a consider8 neighbor and stop deafening me? And also Equius I guess.  
AG: 8ecause we can hear EVERYTHING.  
EB: rrrrrgh.  
EB: fine!   
EB: maybe i'll calm myself down!   
EB: so i don't DISTURB you!!!!  
AG: Good! You go do that.  
AG: You've got three more minutes. 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] stopped trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] started trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

AG: <>  
EB: bluh. <>  


\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] stopped trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Rules of Engaging with a Chest Werewolf [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8737828) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




End file.
